Lesley Venable

Learning To Love Myself....

This past year has been one of growth in so many ways.....emotionally, physically, artistically....you name the area of my life and it has had a profound shift occur this past year or so.

The one area that has grown in leaps and bounds has been my ability and desire to love myself for who/what/how I am.  Accepting my faults, understanding the fears and hurts and trusting that I am just where I am supposed to be and that place is perfect for me.

For many, many, many years I heard "you ruin everything".  In fact, I heard it so much that I believed it and took it to heart and allowed that often spoken comment to dictate how I felt about me and how I thought everyone else felt about me.  What I have learned is that some people need to make you feel less than, some people need to say hurtful things, some people need to believe what they say about you because that's how they "get by".  It is my choice to accept it or not and it only took me a lifetime to realize that by accepting their beliefs I was doing myself no favors and I was not allowing me a space to see that I am NOT who/what they say/think/believe that I am.

I am fortunate that I have my Daddy's kind, generous, loving and caring nature.  That he passed on to me a sense of loyalty to family and those that I love and who love and care about me.  I received these gifts from him and those gifts can never be taken away, diminished or erased by someone's need to lash out, be nasty or try to diminish me in my eyes.

Am I perfect?  No, but who among us can call themselves perfect?  I am learning to accept things as they are, I am learning to embrace who I am and I am learning that I can't change the way a person thinks, acts or responds to me.  My job is making me the best me I can be, my job is understanding that if someone needs to use me as their scapegoat that's on them and not on me. 

We spent time over the holidays with very special people in my life and I learned the biggest lesson of the year during that 4 days......family can be about love, time together and serenity. 

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Hoping you had a wonderful holiday and that 2014 will be one of blessings, abundance and love.

XO,

Lesley V.

Fear Based Thinking & What It Can Do To Your Studio

You never know what will trigger a bout of fear based thinking.  So many different things come into play....your experiences, life trauma(s), friendships, relationships, etc.

While they don't happen as often to me (Tom may have a different theory) they do still occur and sometimes when they do I am not even aware they are there.  An unseen dark cloud hovering above putting down a steady drizzle until you become either completely consumed by them or aware enough of them that you can take stock of what is happening and go into "turn it around" mode.

This week, yesterday to be very specific, I suddenly (with a bit of an abrupt shove nudge) saw an entire two weeks worth of fear based thinking that I had been living right in the middle of.  Call it lack, fear of not having enough of something, fear of not having the right somethings.....any one of those will fit but to be quite honest they all do fit quite nicely around this pit of ucky thinking I have been doing.

While I am not sure exactly what triggered it I do have at least an idea and that's the first step to getting out of it.  The next step is to stop the behavior that the fear is creating within you.  In my case it was this need to be sure I would have just the right ink, glass, solder, copper, rhinestone, chain, lace, etc. and in this need to do all I could to purchase those things I found (at the right price of course) to fluff my studio nest. 

Now, here are the things that are so wrong with this bit of "lack" thinking...

1.  If you don't let things go you don't open yourself up to other things that may be waiting to get to you.

2.  If you don't share, gift, pass on you don't open yourself up to the Karma that comes along with that.

3.  If you don't share, gift, pass on or create with those things you cannot do any of that any longer because you are flat out too stressed about what to do with all the stuff you have hoarded collected over time.

So, this past weekend I began a process of culling (no, not Cullen).  I have donate piles, I have gifting piles, I have keeping piles and I have selling piles.  It makes me happy to see these little stacks of items that will be flying out to those that need/want/have-to-have them.

Donate piles will be heading to the local Goodwill very soon while gifting piles still need to gather and grow a bit before they can be sent off.  Creating or stuff to keep piles will be going into my studio in a more organized fashion and selling piles will begin to be listed this weekend in my Etsy Shoppe. 

Please be sure to check out the listings as I post that they are up on Etsy because many things will be going for what I paid for them or less.  These are things that I have purchased at various vendor nights, vintage finds, almost or truly new art books and more.  They are also those items that I just couldn't fit into any of my giveaway piles, donate piles or keep piles.  So, if you happen to see something that I purchased from you at a Vendor night don't be offended.  It's not that I didn't love it or don't love it still...it's just time to pass it along to someone that can use it NOW versus, maybe, never.

Another good Karma inducer is to host a giveaway to say thank you to those that have stepped up to help the victims of Sandy.  It's not time to quit giving to those communities...so many still need help to get their lives back on track, people who lost everything.  Please visit my post on how to help and be rewarded.....

http://flatwoodsfolkart.typepad.com/lesley_venable/2012/11/hurricane-sandy-relief-giveaway.html

I so very much appreciate each and every one of you.  Thank you for being a part of my journey.

xo,

Lesley

 

Gratitude...

An appointment with my breast doctor this morning handed me another opportunity to be filled with gratitude.  All day I have been trying to live in that moment of knowing that this worry of a thing I have been living with these past three or four weeks is not the thing I was most concerned with.

So part of today has been spent thinking of ways that I can live in that place of gratefulness and grace and, in that arena of the mind, I realized that I had done something this time that I had never done in the past.  I had not shared my worry, I had not spread it around like a layer of thick molasses weighing down every conversation.....with the exception of Tom I am not sure that anyone was aware that I was in the midst of a worrisome time.  Anyone who is a worrier will know exactly what I mean when I say how big of a gift that was not only to the people who didn't have to hear about it but to me was well. 

Here are the ways that I came up with...well my top choices anyway...to get out of worry and be grateful:

1.    Pass it along.  Show those around you how grateful you are to have them in your life.  Don't take them or your relationship with them for granted.

2.    Create through the breathless moments of the worry.  Doodle, draw, paint, ink, stamp, write.  Take the negative energy of worry and turn it into a positive by allowing it to get your creativity flowing.  Believe me I know how hard it is but force yourself to do it.

3.    Visit with friends on the phone, via email or in person.  It takes your mind off of things and passes the time in a wonderfully positive way.  It also helps you to realize how huge your close circle of chosen family is...nestle in that knowledge.

4.    Accept that being imperfect is just part of what makes you perfect to those that love you and accept you.  Getting stressed out over things that don't mean a hill of beans only compounds things.

5.    Pray, talk or sing to whomever your Highter Power is.  Don't have a Higher Power?  Journal your feelings but just get it out.

6.    Be thankful in whatever form that means to you. 

I am grateful that somewhere someone will read this and it will help.  That they will read my words and be reminded to do their monthly self exams and get an annual mammogram.  It's important, we are important, you are important.

I am grateful for you.

xo,

Lesley

 

 

Thoughts on loss...

On Friday, our Clancy boy went to be with his sister Maggie.  It was one of those decisions that was both hard and easy....I can't think of any other way to say it.  So hard to say goodbye to such an important part of your family but made easier knowing it was the best thing for them. 

 

Clancy Boy

Clancy, who was 11, and Maggie, who we lost when she was 9, came to us as puppies, brother and sister, two fluffy bundles of joy who stole our hearts and wrapped us immediately around their little paws.  Sitting here now I can't even fathom the loss and thinking of the hole that is left makes my chest constrict with the pain.

Maggie & Clancy - Together From The Beginning

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They were faithful and loyal and everything that you've ever read a good dog should be.  They were happy and goofy and playful and little terrors and we loved them and they loved us.  We were all loved and that is what is important here.  Important for me to remember, important for me to know......important.

Clancy

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Maggie

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Maggie & Clancy.....Together Still

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On Sunday, what would have been my Daddy's birthday, the memories of him were mixed with the sadness of our loss of Clancy but then a peace came.  I could see Clancy and Maggie with Daddy and his dog, Butch.  I could see all of them happy and pain free and loved. 

I could see Kecia's fur baby Kirby there with them too....everyone showing Clancy the places to explore, I could see the breeze ruffling their fur, the smile in their eyes and at that moment I didn't care if it was a Rainbow Bridge, or an open meadow or a warm hearth or the kind hand of a loved one gone before.  It only mattered that we had loved them through this life and loved them enough to help them pass to the next one when their time had come.  It mattered only that we had loved them with us and that we loved them still, so much, in their absence and that they had known that we did and do.

I am selfish, I would have all that I love here with me for always but it doesn't work that way and I would not give up one moment of time with them to be rid of the pain that is felt now.  Not one moment.

Rest In Peace our golden fur babies....you are loved, missed and remembered.

xo,

Lesley V.

 

 

Me, Myself and I - A Quarterly Review

At the end of 2011 I opened wide my soul and bared to all how depression had affected me and those around me.  It was a scary revealing done with a heavy dose of timidness and trepidation.  But, thankfully, mixed in with that fear was the relief that comes from a letting go, an opening up, a release.  I received so many emails and messages regarding that post that I wanted to share with everyone where I am on this journey of healing.

Recently I had a moment of clarity.  Now this moment was monumental in showing me how far I had come but unfortunately it came from a not so good time.  You know those times when you completely have to show your a$$ to see how wrong you are?  Yep, well that's what happened here.  Tom and I have set up ways that we want to be able to communicate when something's come up that the other isn't liking.  Yep, you have to do that when you are trying to relearn things that have been embedded from a long time ago.  <smile> 

Anyway, I, for some reason, needed to make this particular situation all about me, my needs, what I wanted, etc., etc., etc.  It created quite a bit of friction and a bit of an argument ensued.  In that flash of anger on my part I realized that it really wasn't about me, didn't need to be and as much as I thought I wanted it to be it never would be.  I was totally reading so much more into one single statement than it really meant and in that realization I saw that I was creating the set up for the argument.  Wow!  That was like a 1,000 watt lightbulb being switched on. 

So what was the good that came out of it?  Well, there were really several things that happened....

1. I realized that I could just hear what Tom was saying and instead of hearing my interpretation of it I could just trust that it meant what he said.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Geeze, how is that for a brainiac moment??? 
2. I saw in that flash of anger, and truly it was a flash, that I didn't like me like that at all.  In the past that way of reacting had served it's purpose...not really sure how but I believe that when my ex would become abusive (physically, mentally or emotionally) that if I allowed myself to become angry I could blame the anger on his abuse and not blame me just for being me.  Not sure that makes sense but just so you know my belief about that now is that I in no way caused or created his abusiveness....it was his issue and not mine. 
3. Finally, and I think the most important thing that I saw, is that I didn't feel ashamed.  My little outburst happened at the counselor's office, in front of her, and although I was embarassed it happened I did not feel ashamed by my behavior.  This was huge for me.  HUGE!!  You see to feel embarassed it is about my action but to feel ashamed or shame over it is about me as a human.  Truly, I cannot remember a time when I have not taken on a bit of shame about one thing or another.

So here I am, 3 months into the new year, feeling pretty good about my progress.  There aren't so many steps and hops back.  I feel a steady progression forward with just a few times where I sit idly in place.  I see all of my relationships improving and I am enjoying all that is happening. 

I am always aware of the strong and loving support system that my family and friends have wrapped around me like a huge comforter and I carry that with me always.  They have never wavered from their support and I have tried to show my gratitude to them but I don't know if I could ever convey to them what a blessing they are.

There is much to be grateful for.

xo,

Lesley V.

A Journey In Heart and In Soul.....

Hi Everyone!

I hope this Monday finds you doing well and feeling very blessed. 

ROAD TRIP!!!!  

 

My friend and fellow artist, Kecia Deveney, is going on an amazing road trip across the U.S. on her way to teach in California.  To help fund her trip she is selling some amazing jewelry pieces.  This is truly a journey of her heart so it is very fitting that all of the pieces are heart themed.  The pieces are going fast so be sure that you pop over to Kecia's blog to read more about her amazing journey and why this is such a special time for her.  (Click on the image above or her name to be whisked away).

I received the following email this morning and I must say it has made my morning.  I wanted to pass it along to you to encourage, to strengthen, to liberate....

  Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

 

a return to love - Marianne Williamson

Isn't that beautiful?  I loved it and hope you did too!

xoxoxo,

Lesley V.

 

 

 

 

 

Getting Ready For The Wedding...

 

While getting ready for my nephew's wedding I have to admit that I've wondered if I would have done anything different for mine and Tom's wedding day. 

Would the invitations been hand delivered on a silver tray?

 

Would the dress have been different.....

 

Would the cake have been any sweeter if it were not homemade with love?

 

Would our honeymoon getaway have been any more romantic?

 

Would I have chosen anything differently?

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I have to say after looking at all of the wedding images that my blue velvet dress, his charcoal suit with Tobasco tie, our living room mantle all aglow with candlelight, our closest friends and family surrounding us, our dining room table full of homemade sweets and savories, and our honeymoon over Valentine's Day weekend was perfectly perfect for us and for our hearts.  I would not change one single thing about that special day.

xo,

Lesley

 

 

 

Outing My Depressive Self and Looking Back In Retrospect...

I've been sitting here for a bit trying to figure out exactly how to word this post, starting it and then erasing it.  I find myself questioning how people will see me after they read it and while I find that I am comfortable worried about being accepted I am not comfortable with the fear of it.  Hmmm, if that makes any sense.  So, I am just going to begin......

This past Summer I found myself in the darkest of dark spots.  It was as if all of the dark/bad/angry/painful experiences in my life had gathered into a quicksand that threatened to swallow me.  There were days that I had to hang on to the slightest sliver of shining goodness just to get by and then there were the days that I felt like there was no use in even trying and I found myself turning away from those bits of goodness.

These darkest days were the most frightening things for both Tom and I and my goals became to survive that day, that hour, that minute.  Tom built this coccoon around me that protected me from painful situations/people and the healing process began.  I was open about what was happening with those closest to me and they offered even more of their unconditional love and support.  I began seeing a wonderful counselor and I began the journey of finding me, of loving me, of accepting me. 

The journey has been one of steps, even leaps, forward and of steps and hops backward.  I have danced sideways around issues that have been very painful only to find that I keep getting put back in those situations.  I continue to be supported and loved by many and I can honestly say that my days have their fill of laughter and smiles. 

It's not easy working on things that have been buried a long time.  Dredging up old "stuff" is sometimes a dirty and disgusting job but I'm doing it.  I want to stay in the light of the good stuff and not get bogged back down in that dark and unforgiving quicksand.  I see so many stories every day about what havoc depression has reeked upon its victims and I think to myself "there but for the grace of God go I".

With the end of the year fast approaching I found myself looking back in retrospect.  Did I accomplish what I wanted to?  Did I love those near and dear to me as I should have?  Am I having the same struggles now as I did a year ago?

If you allow yourself to look at things from the "the cup's half empty" viewpoint a year end review can be a difficult and, sometimes, painful experience.  Believe me I know as I have myself taken on the burdens of past disappointments and regrets.  In fact, I have allowed myself to wear these burdens like so many necklaces weighing down my neck and shoulders....NOT good (as Tom's mother used to say).

This year has brought some pretty low lows but it has gifted me with amazing highs and that's what I want to focus on.  I want to see the gift of acceptance that was handed to me by those that love me, those that will never, ever know how very grateful I am to have them in my life. 

I want to look forward with my eyes wide open, I want to create with abandon, I want to believe that everything is in its right place, I want to love wholeheartedly, I want to forgive and be forgiven, I want to sit down and tell those responsible how grateful I am that they saved me (literally) and I want to start 2012 out with the words, "Once Upon a Time....".

And now I want to wish each and everyone of you unlimited blessings for the New Year.

xo,

 

Blessings To You This Thanksgiving Day

May family, friends and gratitude abound as we all gather, in groups large and small, to remember blessings and to give our thanks.

From Tom and I and all of our fur babies may this day be filled with all you wish for.

xo,

Happy Birthday Daddy.....

Happy Birthday Daddy,

I miss you so much.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about.... your laugh, your smile, your sense of humor......you.  I find myself wanting your advice, your guidance, your support with so much in life and while I am a selfish one and would have kept you here with us forever I know that your passing was the best for you and that God carried you home to him. 

I love You Daddy.

 

09/02/1922 - 11/06/00