Outing My Depressive Self and Looking Back In Retrospect...

I've been sitting here for a bit trying to figure out exactly how to word this post, starting it and then erasing it.  I find myself questioning how people will see me after they read it and while I find that I am comfortable worried about being accepted I am not comfortable with the fear of it.  Hmmm, if that makes any sense.  So, I am just going to begin......

This past Summer I found myself in the darkest of dark spots.  It was as if all of the dark/bad/angry/painful experiences in my life had gathered into a quicksand that threatened to swallow me.  There were days that I had to hang on to the slightest sliver of shining goodness just to get by and then there were the days that I felt like there was no use in even trying and I found myself turning away from those bits of goodness.

These darkest days were the most frightening things for both Tom and I and my goals became to survive that day, that hour, that minute.  Tom built this coccoon around me that protected me from painful situations/people and the healing process began.  I was open about what was happening with those closest to me and they offered even more of their unconditional love and support.  I began seeing a wonderful counselor and I began the journey of finding me, of loving me, of accepting me. 

The journey has been one of steps, even leaps, forward and of steps and hops backward.  I have danced sideways around issues that have been very painful only to find that I keep getting put back in those situations.  I continue to be supported and loved by many and I can honestly say that my days have their fill of laughter and smiles. 

It's not easy working on things that have been buried a long time.  Dredging up old "stuff" is sometimes a dirty and disgusting job but I'm doing it.  I want to stay in the light of the good stuff and not get bogged back down in that dark and unforgiving quicksand.  I see so many stories every day about what havoc depression has reeked upon its victims and I think to myself "there but for the grace of God go I".

With the end of the year fast approaching I found myself looking back in retrospect.  Did I accomplish what I wanted to?  Did I love those near and dear to me as I should have?  Am I having the same struggles now as I did a year ago?

If you allow yourself to look at things from the "the cup's half empty" viewpoint a year end review can be a difficult and, sometimes, painful experience.  Believe me I know as I have myself taken on the burdens of past disappointments and regrets.  In fact, I have allowed myself to wear these burdens like so many necklaces weighing down my neck and shoulders....NOT good (as Tom's mother used to say).

This year has brought some pretty low lows but it has gifted me with amazing highs and that's what I want to focus on.  I want to see the gift of acceptance that was handed to me by those that love me, those that will never, ever know how very grateful I am to have them in my life. 

I want to look forward with my eyes wide open, I want to create with abandon, I want to believe that everything is in its right place, I want to love wholeheartedly, I want to forgive and be forgiven, I want to sit down and tell those responsible how grateful I am that they saved me (literally) and I want to start 2012 out with the words, "Once Upon a Time....".

And now I want to wish each and everyone of you unlimited blessings for the New Year.

xo,

 

Comments

[linda]

Pleased to meet the new Lesley.

[Gail]

What a beautiful and uplifting post! It sounds like you're well on your way...:).

[Colleen Peck]

I love you, my dear friend Lesley!!

[Janet Ghio]

A courageous post--best to you and wishes for bright days in 2012!

[kecia]

onward to a brand new year and a brand new you! we love you; always know that, no matter how dark the lighting in the room is.....

xoxo,

kecia

[Folk Heart]

I can't begin to know what circumstances precipitated this, but I can certainly appreciate the tremendous amount of courage it takes to bare yourself to all. I wish you the gift of healing, because you are such a talented and viable artist and soul. All healing begins from within, and I know you have something special inside. Best of everything to you!

[Aleta]

Life is a journey girl. one step at a time. I am glad to have found you and I wish you well!

[Sharon W]

Thank you for your courageous message: you are an inspiration and a true "shero"!! Now, Lesley, a new year is starting, and I am soooo pleased to see you listed among the faculty at "art unraveled" for the coming summer. I'm sure the coming year will bring even more achievements and moments of pride, so get ready!!! Looking forward to Stamford and more good times. Love always.

[Denise Petersen]

And once upon a time I met a beautiful person who touched my heart and she opened other peoples hearts so that they could be touched by her creativity. She shared her art openly with others and touched our souls. This was a healing process for her but she had no idea how many hearts she truly touched. We love you Lesley!

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