At the end of 2011 I opened wide my soul and bared to all how depression had affected me and those around me. It was a scary revealing done with a heavy dose of timidness and trepidation. But, thankfully, mixed in with that fear was the relief that comes from a letting go, an opening up, a release. I received so many emails and messages regarding that post that I wanted to share with everyone where I am on this journey of healing.
Recently I had a moment of clarity. Now this moment was monumental in showing me how far I had come but unfortunately it came from a not so good time. You know those times when you completely have to show your a$$ to see how wrong you are? Yep, well that's what happened here. Tom and I have set up ways that we want to be able to communicate when something's come up that the other isn't liking. Yep, you have to do that when you are trying to relearn things that have been embedded from a long time ago. <smile>
Anyway, I, for some reason, needed to make this particular situation all about me, my needs, what I wanted, etc., etc., etc. It created quite a bit of friction and a bit of an argument ensued. In that flash of anger on my part I realized that it really wasn't about me, didn't need to be and as much as I thought I wanted it to be it never would be. I was totally reading so much more into one single statement than it really meant and in that realization I saw that I was creating the set up for the argument. Wow! That was like a 1,000 watt lightbulb being switched on.
So what was the good that came out of it? Well, there were really several things that happened....
- I realized that I could just hear what Tom was saying and instead of hearing my interpretation of it I could just trust that it meant what he said. Nothing more, nothing less. Geeze, how is that for a brainiac moment???
- I saw in that flash of anger, and truly it was a flash, that I didn't like me like that at all. In the past that way of reacting had served it's purpose...not really sure how but I believe that when my ex would become abusive (physically, mentally or emotionally) that if I allowed myself to become angry I could blame the anger on his abuse and not blame me just for being me. Not sure that makes sense but just so you know my belief about that now is that I in no way caused or created his abusiveness....it was his issue and not mine.
- Finally, and I think the most important thing that I saw, is that I didn't feel ashamed. My little outburst happened at the counselor's office, in front of her, and although I was embarassed it happened I did not feel ashamed by my behavior. This was huge for me. HUGE!! You see to feel embarassed it is about my action but to feel ashamed or shame over it is about me as a human. Truly, I cannot remember a time when I have not taken on a bit of shame about one thing or another.
So here I am, 3 months into the new year, feeling pretty good about my progress. There aren't so many steps and hops back. I feel a steady progression forward with just a few times where I sit idly in place. I see all of my relationships improving and I am enjoying all that is happening.
I am always aware of the strong and loving support system that my family and friends have wrapped around me like a huge comforter and I carry that with me always. They have never wavered from their support and I have tried to show my gratitude to them but I don't know if I could ever convey to them what a blessing they are.
There is much to be grateful for.